I'm going to get a little personal this week, though I think it'll focus on something a lot of writers can relate to; sleep and creativity. For the past year, I've had trouble sleeping at night. No matter when I go to bed, I always seem to wake up two or more times a night and stay awake anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour and a half. Having that happen once or twice is one thing, but dealing with it every single night tends to wear a person down. When my doctor checked the stats on my CPAP machine, it registered I was getting maybe about 4-6 hours of sleep a night with all the waking up.

You can probably imagine what the lack of sleep has done to me:

Exhaustion
Irritability
Trouble staying awake
Depression
Worse Anxiety
Memory issues

And so on and so forth. Not exactly fun things to deal with when you're trying to write/publish a book.

I've worked with some people to get my sleep under control, but it wasn't until I met a cognitive behavior specialist that I started to actually notice some changes. For the first two weeks I met with her, she asked me to track my sleep. I was shocked when I realized it looked like a checkerboard. I might get a couple hours of sleep before waking up, but for the most part, my night was "asleep, awake, asleep, awake, asleep." Worse, when I would wake up in the middle of the night, I usually went to food for the comfort, which just doesn't help with weight loss and staying healthy.

My sleep doctor describes it as maintenance insomnia. I can usually fall asleep within about 5 minutes. Heck, I've fallen asleep standing up before! But staying asleep, yeah, that doesn't happen much for me. All the sleep I had started to get by using a CPAP machine just went out the window and left me a miserable mess. Frankly, I think the lack of sleep is what led to my emotional episodes in February of this year.

After tracking my sleep, my doctor told me that my circadian rhythm is off kilter. Her solution? Condensed sleep. Okay, so what does that mean? Basically, her idea was to focus on forcing me to get quality sleep over quantity. She wanted to retrain my brain to understand what it was to be "sleepy" and to be so tired that I would just sleep through the night. She had a few other stipulations as well:

No caffeine after 2pm
Sleep for 6 hours from 1:30am-7:30am
No naps
No resting in your bed
No phone in your bedroom before sleep

Our plan was to do it for two weeks before I saw her again, mostly because she said I would hate her by the second week. I thought she was kidding.

She wasn't.

It's officially been two weeks, and except for two nights when I accidentally fell asleep a little early on the couch, I've followed the rules closely. Each night I've gone to sleep and stayed in bed. Anxiety remained quiet. My hunger ebbed. All I wanted, all I craved was sleep! And by the second week, oh yeah, I hated her. I still might throw a shoe at her when I see her on Wednesday. I never thought fighting to stay awake until 1:30 am would be so hard. It has some benefits. I get more downtime for myself. I caught up on shows and finally watched Good Omens.

But the costs more than outweigh the benefits. I'm exhausted all the time. I'm grumpy, depressed, stressed, and a complete bundle of emotions. And for those of you who know me well, I don't like not having control of my emotions. I've actually started to cry because I was so tired and so angry that I couldn't just nap. Even know as I type this, I can feel my eyes getting heavy and my body just begging me to go to sleep.

I will say this, the practice has really made me appreciate sleep a lot more. Our plan on Wednesday, I believe, is to add time onto my sleep schedule so I'm getting closer to 7 hours. I personally think I function best on about 7 1/2 - 8 hours, but even that hasn't been enough when I'm trying to recover from many sleepless nights.

By now you're probably asking, but Erin, what does this have to do with creativity?

Everything.

For some people, staying up late or lack of sleep can create a drive to write. For me, my muses have basically shut themselves off and my characters are giving me the cold shoulder. I have this extra time at night, but the idea of putting a single word on paper is almost unbearable. Thinking hurts. Trying to be creative is too exhausting. It takes all my energy just to stay awake. How I managed to edit and publish a book last year is beyond me.

Though it would probably explain the emotional roller coaster ride I felt during the process.

I want my creativity back. I want to be able to curl up at night when I'm sleepy and know that I can rest through the night and rise with enough energy to create my worlds. Sleep is so important. Like, I didn't realize how important until I went through the past two weeks. And I know, 6 hours may not sound bad, but for me, I need more sleep. Technically, you can function on 5 hours of sleep a night for an extended period, but that doesn't mean that your creativity will work. Take care of your mind and bodies. Give them the rest they both so desperately need and crave. I'm hoping once I add on the hours, my passion for writing will resume. and I'll get out of the very tired writer's block clouding my mind.

It seems fitting that I'm writing about self care after having to take time off of work due to a migraine. This is also why my post is coming out on a Wednesday. Normally I would have fought through it, kept working, and made it worse. The fact that I was going to write this post made me rethink my decision because, truthfully, if I'm going to tell you how to take care of yourselves, I need to listen to my own advice.

I've covered some of this in other posts, but I wanted to create a comprehensive list for anyone who feels burnt out or needs some support in regards to taking care of themselves. Many writers don't know what kind of self care they should do when they feel low or if they need self care at all. Here are a few warning signs to start off.

Anxiety/depression
Exhaustion
Lack of desire to write or writer's block
Irritability
Self-doubt or feeling hopeless
Overwhelmed

Some are you going to say, "Well, Erin, I feel this all the time!" I understand. I feel a lot of this as well, but when it's starting to affect your everyday life, you need to step back and take care of yourselves so you can stay healthy. A healthy mind and body will lead to better writing.

Take a break/ Do something you love: If you're feeling low and the depression is creeping in, try to take a break and do something you love. Even if you think it's just "wasting time," it's not if it makes you happy. Play video games. Read a book. Go to a pet store and play with some critters. Host a movie night. Watch youtube videos. Or sleep! Basically do anything except write if writing itself is causing so much stress. Contrary to what others say, you don't have to write everyday.
Sleep: Writers are pretty bad about getting enough sleep. Either we stay up too late or get up too early trying to get those words out. Consider adjusting your sleeping schedule so you're getting more rest both for your brain and body. You'll find you'll become more productive and feel better.
Get off social media: If you're struggling with self-doubt or comparing yourself to others, get off Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pintrest, etc. Shut technology down for a day and focus on you. Studies say that people often become more depressed after seeing all the accomplishments or exciting adventures their peers talk about on facebook. I know when I'm feeling overwhelmed, shutting down technology is my best route to recovery. It'll still be there when you log on the next day.
Shower/Take a bath: If you're stuck with writing, take a shower. Some of my best ideas come out there. And if you just want to get away from ideas and relax, take a shower or a bath for your body's sake. I love how the water pounds across my ears and silences the world. For a moment, I just feel safe and like the world doesn't need me. I'm doing this for me.
Take time for yourself: Make sure you're taking enough time to rest and relax. If all you're doing is overworking yourself to get that book done or meet social media standards, you're going to burn out very quickly. Take time, again, to do something you love, or take care of yourself. Even setting aside a half hour a day to watch a favorite show or sit under happy lights is a great way to decompress.
Chores: This may seem like a strange thing to add in here if you're stressed, but sometimes getting chores done helps me unwind. Cleaning, paying pills, making medical appointments, going shopping, etc.. Sure, it might be boring or frustrating at the time, but by the end of the day, you'll have accomplished so much. Last Sunday I managed to get a bunch of chores done and that cleared my mind up to write for a little while.
Therapy: If you're struggling with crippling self-doubt, depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts, consider talking with a therapist. I see one regularly to help me keep my head on straight. People will say, "Oh, others have it worse" but whatever you're going through is valid. If something is making you upset or hurting your quality of life, then it's important to get that treated. Seeking out therapy is not a weakness. It shows strength.
Listen to your body: If you're getting sick a lot, or you just don't feel well, listen to your body. It may be telling you that it's time to slow down. We only have one body and one brain. If either goes out on us, we're in trouble. So take care of yourselves. If you'd tell someone else to go to a doctor, take off of work, or rest if they feel like you do, then please take your own advice.
Support team: Build a support team so that, when you're struggling, you know who you can turn to. Maybe you just need someone to listen to you as you struggle through your writing ideas. Maybe you need a hug or a reminder that you're enough. Either way, reach out when you need support. You don't have to go this alone. That's what's both so important and wonderful about having a writing community.
Write your feelings: We may all get writer's block, but I guarantee we can all write about how we're feeling. No one else has to see it or know that you're writing it. Create angry poetry, construct short stories, write a blog post...do whatever feels right to help you acknowledge your emotions and work through them.
Hydrate: When we get wrapped up in writing, it's easy to forget some basic needs like drinking water. And sometimes we can forget that tea is a diuretic. So make sure you're hydrating your body (even if it does mean a lot of pee breaks away from your computer).

These are just a few tips to keep in mind when things feel rough. I'm sure you all have your own self-care methods, so feel free to share them below!

Just remember, you matter, what you feel is valid, and you are worthy of self care.