TW: Mention of suicide/suicidal thoughts
It’s difficult to explain depression and anxiety to people who don’t struggle with it. A person might seem perfectly fine on the outside, but inwardly, they could be fighting a constant battle that leaves them teetering on the edge of life and death. The mind, just like the rest of the body, can get very sick and make it seem like there’s no end to the pain. No light at the end of the tunnel.
My readers know I’m not typically shy when it comes to discussing depression and anxiety. Suicidal thoughts is a harder topic to go over, though. I don’t want to scare people who are close to me who think I might go off the deep end. And for those who look up to me and think I’m strong, I don’t want them to feel, “Well, if she can’t handle it, then how can I?” The mind is such a beautiful, wonderful thing, but that doesn’t stop the darkness from creeping in. And what I want to talk about isn’t so much why I almost ended my life, but rather, why I celebrate that I didn’t.
On February 2nd, 2019, after drowning under waves and waves of depression, something snapped. I don’t know how to explain it, but it was like all the dark thoughts I’d been having suddenly coalesced into this monster that told me to end my life. I came very close, but at the last second, I stopped myself. I met with a friend for tea, and when I explained what had happened, she encouraged me to go into the mental institution to make sure I didn’t hurt myself. I fought her on it, claiming I was fine (even though I wasn't), but eventually I relented and went with her to the hospital.
And it was the best decision I could have made.
For the first time in a long while, I felt like I was safe from myself and from the world. I could breathe a little better, and my thoughts didn’t drag me across burning coals as much as they had. I also learned I had a UTI and developed cellulitis, which didn’t help with the whole situation. But the former might have explained a little more why I wasn’t able to fight the suicidal thoughts. Between health/physical problems, Seasonal Depression, lack of sleep, anxiety, and general feelings of unworthiness and loneliness, I could barely fight it.
The past two weeks, I’ve felt the depression creep into my mind as I reflected on the fact that the one-year anniversary was coming up. But then I thought, why should I greet it with sorrow? Why not celebrate what this past year has given me? True, there were a lot of uphill fights and bad things that happened, mostly health related, but what about all the good?
For one thing, I’ve been able to spend time with my family. I’ve watched my baby cousins (who call me auntie) blossom and grow into lovely young girls. I visited family I hadn’t seen in months and cherished the time we spent together. It made me even more grateful to have them in my life.
I’ve watched the lives of my friends change for the better. Marriages, children, new loves, getting into grad school, going on an overseas adventure, getting published, getting promoted, new pets, new journeys...I’ve loved sharing their stories, and I'm thankful I’m around to see them happen.
In the past year, I’ve been published more than I’ve ever been before. I put out a new book, appeared in several anthologies (some paid), became an ambassador for a writing site, taught at my alma mater, met fans of my series, and became a resident author for another site. I’ve had the opportunity to work with aspiring writers and watch them find their voice in their books. And I’ve traveled for the first time to sell my books and meet other creative people. My world is growing, even when it sometimes feels so small.
I’ve watched the organizations I’m leading (The Writers’ Rooms), or part of (Iowa Writers’ House), continue to blossom as we bring more people into the literary fold. I’ve had to let some things go and welcome new opportunities into my life, but at least I’m still here to make those decisions. I’ve helped publish anthologies and put on a huge author signing event to support other authors, and it feels really good to have accomplished all that.
And in the past year, I’ve started to learn the importance of self-care. Working with my sleep specialist (and now my therapist), has helped me go from about 2-4 hours of sleep each night to closer to 7 hours. I’m using therapy lights during the winter when the months are usually rough for me to help stave off the depression. I’m trying to get back to the gym and eat better for both mental and physical health. I’m talking with support groups and forcing myself to shut down at a certain time each night so I get downtime and I don’t work on my computer until 2 or 3 am on a work night. So for those who have seen my work progress slow a little, it’s to help me take care of myself.
There have also been fun experiences the past year that I never would have had, some small, some bigger. Things like getting to see Star Wars IX and Cats with my Dad and Frozen 2 (along with annoying the crap out of friends while playing the music over and over again). Reliving my childhood years by going to an arcade with my friend. Going clothes shopping or to the movies with people I care about. Snuggling with my birds everyday and being glad I’m still here to do that (even if I get feathers in my nose or get bombed by the occasional morning poop). Finally playing Mario Maker, basically the one thing I enjoy without trying to turn it over into a profit. Oh, and I’m a huge nerd when it comes to Merge Dragons and PokemonGo. Belting out the lyrics to Hamilton in the car even if I ruin most of them (plus finding out that Hamilton is going to become a movie!). Sometimes the little things can make you smile and get you through the day.
Politically, I’ve gone to protests and marches. I’ve raised my voice against injustice and stood by my friends as we’ve fought to make this world a better place. And I did that again last night by caucusing. In a world divided, I saw people come together and support their candidates as well as each other.
And, of course, I’ve had the opportunity to share my stories with all of you through my blog.
This past weekend, I celebrated life by getting a much-needed massage, purchasing a new couch (finally), spending time with my friends either gushing over musicals or watching Maleficent and baking brownies. And I slept.
365 days. 525,600 minutes. Imagine just how many experiences you can have in that time, and I almost let that go.
I’m glad I didn’t.
I still battle the depression and anxiety, but I’ve gained tools to help work through the feelings. And, there’s a saying that I found that really holds true: Whenever you think you can’t make it through the day, just remember, your success rate is 100%.
Be kind to yourselves, my friends. Cherish each day. Enjoy the little things, and know that you matter.